Reflection: 1 Year Later

Brace yourself, some self reflection is coming your way now...

Its been a year now. A year since graduating college and let me just say, that freaks me the shit out! I've had a lot of trouble swallowing that pill. I mean, hello! I should be running a major fortune 500 company by now right? right?! Well I'm not. And that lack of career motivation bums me out. While I know I'm young and I don't have to have all the answers just yet, I do feel like I might be missing out on opportunities. That I'm not "young and carefree". I miss that feeling of walking with a purpose like I always did when I was on campus. I miss my friends. I miss the sense of community I spent 4 years building. I mean, those people were my family. My everything. And then, one day, we're all scattered like ants at a picnic. Some are in New Jersey, some in Philly, some in Pennsylvania and almost none in Maryland with me. And when you lose those relationships and that sense of purpose, you kinda feel like you lost who you are. And its been really challenging to get that feeling of "me" back. When I was in school, I felt like I was important. And living back home, where I don't really have any high school friends around, and being the lowest chain on the totum poll at work, I feel like I just fall further into the hole of the unknown and its getting harder to try and climb out. I know I'll get there one day. I know one day I'll have some answers. But god damn it, I'm impatient. I'm not saying I want to run a fortune 500 hundred company by any means (I mean, come on, I can barely manage my check book), but I would like to start working for something that matters to me. And I'd like to be surrounded by people who keep me laughing and carefree. 


But to be honest, all of this self-pity has got to go. I can't keep crying over things I can't change. Things I've made no attempts to change as a matter of fact. So, with the welcoming of warmer weather, comes a new attitude. This summer, I'm going to embrace where I am in my life and make the best of it. No, I'm not single and living with my best friend going out every weekend and drinking until I make regrettable decisions (although we all know I'd throw up before I was even capable of reaching that point when alcohols involved). And no, I'm not living with my boyfriend, playing house and planning a future. But I do have a good job, where I'm told my important regularly. And I do have friends. While they may be harder to reach, they're there, and they love me. And I do have a wonderful boyfriend who puts up with all my craziness and panic attacks. Someone who puts me first and does whatever it takes to see me smile. And for those things, I have no reason to be down in the dumps. As my one wise friend recently told me, she loves the feeling of not knowing. Of making mistakes and being confused and having regrets. Because she's at the age where she still can and no one cares. She is free to do what she wants, however she wants to do it and that's liberating to her. 


So this summer, I'm going to see more friends, spend more time doing things that make me happy (like painting, and hanging out with my sister, and ice cream dates, and going to the beach and traveling), and try to convince myself that its okay that I don't have it figured out. I'll get there. One day.